Thursday, 20 March 2014

My 3rd draft

Here is my 3rd draft. I think this is my nearly finished piece of writing. There are a few strike throughs and red words these are things that I have improved.

As I hopped into the car and organized seats I was worried  anxious we were going caving! As my dad took me and my friends to the cave I looked out the window and thought to myself, I am nervous tense  but I am going to go first and get it over and done with. I am usually quite brave but I was really nervous. What happens if the cave falls collapses. down.   Know it won’t my other part of my head was saying , caves have been round for millions of years! They won’t fall! My other part of my head was saying.   My  other part of my head buzzing with anxiety. 

Eventuality dad stopped the car, and pulled up. I hopped out. I also put on my helmet and grabbed my torch that was as bright as the sparkling sun. 

I was shivering with excitement while I tip toed into the cave! It was as dark as the night sky. As I got quarter of the way through  the cave, I looked down at the ground to find fresh water cray fish wriggling  around in the water with glee  With fright. It  was a no  brannier that the were scared of us.  I moved shifted my body towards the other side of the cave where there were rocks that I could clamber over. 

As I kept walking I could hear in the back of my mind my Dad saying “Keep going Hannah You can do it.” Then  I found myself ducking under a tiny bit of rock. I felt suffocated. 

I took a deep breath and worked my way under the rock. Rocks and Water surrounding me a bit like a small stream socking my hands knees and shoes drenched. I felt cold. As cold as a ice block that you would eat in summer. I ducked my head down to. I ducked it down to get myself under the rock... But all of a sudden I got stuck! I felt like I would be stuck forever! Then my dad grabbed my hands from the front and I got well......... Unstuck! I gave a sigh of relief. 

After I had gone under the rock. I hopped up. Walking through the cave with suspense. We turned round corners. It felt impossible leaping over all the rocks and stones. After about 15 minutes in the cave dad told me that we were nearly at the end. But I didn’t believe him because he had never been through this certain cave before. I kept walking. 

Nic then told us to turn our torches of. I did not realize that there were glow worms in the cave. We all looked at them, they looked like shinning pencil dots. “Glow worms are quite pretty aren't they, I thought to myself.”

After we had looked at the glow worms we got back up and started walking. Patter Patter. I could hear my footsteps and the other kids footsteps to! Patter Patter. 

Soon I could see a steep bit of dirt and rocks up ahead, I kept walking and.... I found light. We were now all at the start. We got down on our knees like a dog would, and started up for the light. In time we were all up out of the gave sitting on the grass panting like we had just finished a cross country race. 

Some of the other kids wanted to go into the cave again they asked Nic and my dad desperately. Dad said “ask Nic.” “Certainly!” Nic replied! But remember you MUST be back in 17 minutes. OK. They said, and with a flash of lighting they were of. I din’t go back in I was quite happy sitting there drying of my pant and shoes. 

After a few minutes while the other kids were in the cave I was laughing so much that I  was getting lots of speckles all over my face.was getting lots of little dots on my face. Their voices were coming closer and closer. My heart was pounding, I was quite anxious. I was wondering why they were coming back. Well In the end a boy could Cam had was not watching were he was going and fell into the water were there were fresh water crayfish. 

They din’t go back into the cave after that. We all trudged threw the grass talking about our experience. We climbed over the fence and hopped into the car Grace was in the front seat and I was I was in the middle. We drove back to Highland home it was a great caving experience.

Buddy Comment:
 Feed ford: You need to use more adjectives and you also need to add a few more medaforeds. 

Feed Back. I LOVE the way you have used lots of similes and It's also cool the way you use them at the right time in the right place.

From Anna.

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