Wednesday, 10 September 2014

SLC Writing

Writing portfolio sample T3

WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal this term was to
use simile, metaphor and emotive language
I have included a range of similes, metaphors, onomatopoeia and/or alliteration to create meaning and effect and hold the reader’s interest. 
I think that I have done this "goal" really well and I know this because when I read my writing it flows like a river. It also makes my writing strong/powerful making the reader feel what the writer is feeling and how the writer wants the reader to read their  story.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal.

Here is my first, first, first ever piece of writing that I did you will be able to see in my first piece of writing how it is not very good compared to the full edited piece. Here it is...

Here is my finished story and my edited piece that has been highlighted yellow and black.                                    
This story about a dream, about... you just wait and see    

My dream has always been to be an author, and that’s what I am going to do... Just write. 

“Hannah mum shouted what are you doing”? I replied “writing” praying that she would just go away and let me be, but she stayed. Hannah she said, your writing is aways so dull you just write, you don’’t but in passion into it. Strive for excellence, write with excellence then you will succeed. You’ll be amazing Hannah I believe in you, Know get on with your job. You have a lot to write about in a day. But mum I screeched, What shall I write about? One of your child hood dreams she replied, one of your child hood dreams. So I wrote about my favourite dream... when I was tucked in bed waiting to fall asleep. Waiting for the day of my 8th birthday...

I could remember my mother in the kitchen making my chocolate cake for her 8th birthday party the aroma smelt so nice, Tucked away in my bed gazing up at the gleaming stars, silent all around except the Sharp faint call of owl’s swopping around the barn house. My toes freezing cold but not to cold! I could definitely survive! I faded asleep, and dreamed frighten stuff!.. 

Stranded. On a boat, freezing cold. No one to help her.  Waves pouring over the rails of the deck tumbling over each other *like people doing backflips.*  Frantically she tries to grab hold of the steering wheel but her anxiety builds as she realizes she has no control over the boat.,   She hunkered down in position to protect herself from the elements like a curled up hedgehog. It goes on like this all night... BOOM! A monumental wave crashes  over the boat sweeping her into the raging sea.  It is icy cold, She is numb. Blinded by salt water that stings  her *bulging* eyes she is achingly aware of how alone she really is. Then suddenly...

Tap. Tap. I here a echo run through both of my ears and jump out of them into the big gusts of wind twirling around the barn house. “Wake up mum calls frantically” You've been having a night mare, and that’s how it struck. I got lousily out of bed and well did my usual jobs. Get dressed, brush my teeth, do my hair, pack my bag and so on and that was he end of that! 
How has your writing has improved this term?
I have used a variety of simple, complex and compound sentences to build interest and suspense:) I think by adding in this kid of stuff it helps the reader “feel” what he author is feeling. Also I wanted the author to keep adding their thoughts to my piece of writing and using this goal I think that they would use this kind of stuff in their own piece of writing too.
The part of my story I am most proud of is….because…
My edited piece because I have used lot’s of similes, metaphors, onomatopoeia and/or alliteration to hold the readers attention. I also really like these two sentences: Stranded.  I like this sentence because... It makes the piece of writing more powerful and it also gives suspense. She hunkered down in position to altercation  and it goes on like this all night. I like this sentence because I think that there is lots of juicy words e.g.: hunkered and altercation. 
Next time, what is a goal you can work towards?
To work on my spelling because this kinda ties in with writing and I also want to work on this goal: Organized and sequenced my ideas into paragraphs for purpose and effect.
I think that next time this might be a goal to work towards because I think that I am not very good at understanding paragraphing and that sometimes in a separate paragraph I have the same idear!

I think that was a very nice and juicy story I think that you have worked hard editing that part of your writing. I think you could have worked on putting some speech in there. Rosalind:)

Great work Hannah! I think the edited piece is a brilliant piece of writing because it captures the readers attention, and you manage to keep them with you throughout that piece. Maybe next time you could add one more simile or metaphor. Ana


  1. Hi Hannah - you have really persevered with this focus piece to build suspense and create a strong image, well done! You goal as to use similes, metaphors, and emotive language to do this and it has worked well. Don’t be afraid to experiment with words a phrases to create the image you want. There is no one right way to write - have fun playing with words! I want you to continue with this goal next term to gain more confidence taking risks as you develop your own writer’s voice.

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  3. Great job Hannah you have really hooked me into the story and building suspense. The thing I think you need to work on is the imagery I can't really put the image in my head.


  4. Hi Hannah. You have done a great job at building suspense.You had a great range of sentences in there,but you could use some more imagery. Well done Hannah!