Monday, 21 April 2014

My Writing about raffle for a ride.

Here is my writing all about raffle for a ride we were learning to

Here is m
Horns and honk honk sounds wee o wee o sounds fill up my brain as I burst out the door with excitement. It was our annual raffle for a ride. “Quick.” I said to Grace hurry up we don’t want to miss the helicopter. Yep i’m coming she replied excitedly. Army tanks, ambulances, a fire truck a tractor some racing cars filled up the field  but were was the helicopter? The rain was dripping frantically  as my eyes glared past all the cars and trucks and tractors filled up the field.

We  jogged past the cars some very shiny and some really really dirty. I could see the glistening rain drops on the bonnet of the car sparkling as the sun tried to break through. We walked round in a circle until we came to the ambulance, the fire truck and the army tank. It was great because we could hop into the ambulance and the tank. There were lots of people in the line though. We went to the shorter  line which was the ambulance line! We waited and waited talking about the helicopter.

“Next two people!” Serena said! We climbed up the steps and went by hopping into the beds. There was lots of equipment that was held up on the sides of the walls. There was millions of first add kits everywhere as I looked under the bed. Oops! That gave me a fright the siren had gone off. The sound was like a squeaking piercing sound the kept turning over and over as people kept playing the sound for fun. We went down the aisle excited to press the ambulance button. 

Causally I reached out my hand to touch the button but “What if What if!” I thought to myself in suspense. Ok! 3,2,1! Grace you can go first. She didn’t want to press it either so we walked back the other way. Grace talked to me and said “ wonder when the helicopter is coming!” Maybe it isn’t coming I said back. “It’s raining today.” "Yeah suppose so." As we tried to walk around waiting for the helicopter it was like the whole world was in the field, it felt like I was going to bump into anybody every second! 

10 past 9 and we were still waiting. Then suddenly, I heard a noise. it was kinda like a grunting sound but 1,000000000000 times louder than you would imagine. I looked up. I looked left. I looked right. I looked down and then looked straight up. And there it was. The helicopter. It got lower and lower. Spinning. Around and around.  When it was about to land I shrieked with excitement. It tipped backwards right under a tree. It then tipped back forward then landed. I watched in amazement as out hopped the lucky 6 children. They went straight back to class. And so did we. 

It was a great raffle for a ride day. I hope to get picked out of the draw for the helicopter next year. 

The End
I also sent this piece of writing to my teacher and he replied. This is what he said and In my published piece I did improve on the stuff.

Hey Hannah,
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. I really enjoyed reading it! You have an amazing vocabulary and do such a good job of painting a picture for the reader in their head. Your description in your second paragraph about the glistening rain drops sparkling as the sun tried to break through was AMAZING! Such an awesome way to describe it. I was definitely entertained, which was our intention!
Have a quick look through for spelling mistakes (shorter, didn't) and make sure whenever there is speaking or noises being made to have speech marks around them. Then I think it is ready for your blog
Enjoy the rest of your holidays and I hope you get lots of easter eggs.

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